úterý, července 11, 2006

greenway botič a pár poznámek o zadnici

strašně moc bych chtěla něco úžesnýho napsat, ale pierre mi co tři vteřiny strká hlavu před monitor pod záminkou, že chce bisou, bisou, ouá!, popřípadě mi znehybňuje ruce s výkřikem "obejmout! calinou!". takže opět heslovitě.

v pátek večer jsem zažila noční můru každého dospívajícího: všichni kamarádi byli mimo prahu. i rozhodla jsem se pořádně vyspat a věnovat následující den sportovnímu vyžití. saladdin mi je v tomto směru velmi ochotným partnerem (štamgasti poznají, že jeho hvězda stoupá: nejprv ekonomický guru, nyní i vstřícný sportovec. dobrá partie!), tak jsem nadhodila. nechceme jako v sobotu na dvě, tři hoďky na kola?
že chceme. že kam.
že po praze. internet radí greenway botič.
"mám vytisknout nějakou mapu?"
"no jestli se chceš bavit tisknutím všech těch malejch... já vezmu automapu."

na druhý den: "tak jsem tu automapu nevzal, byla moc veliká. ale když je to greenway, musí to bejt značený. krom toho dneska jsi pathfinder ty."


o dva kilometry později: "kudy to pokračuje? hele, zeptáme se támhletý slečny!"
slečna z protisměru, v slušivých cyklistických elasťáčcích ("vypadám sice jako neonová jitrnice, ale jsem strašně drsná!"), totiž právě sesedla z kola a mžourala do mapy. mělo nás to varovat.
"haha, značení? já po ní chvilku jedu, chvilku ne. teď jede kousek podle vody, tak to zkuste."

zkusili jsme.
"mělo mě to trknout, když se na tom webu radujou z otevření každejch dvou set metrů."

to make a long story short: vzali jsme to přes vršovické náměstí až ke kinu eden, s luxusní zajížďkou ke kohinorce. vede k ní totiž most a já si naivně myslela - znáte ten vtip o těch dvou blondýnách na mostě? "kampak asi tak teče?" ptá se jedna. "tak tam skoč a uvidíme!" odpovídá druhá. první skočí, vrátí se celá porouchaná a říká: "ty jo, to není řeka, ale dé jednička."
takže tak. pod mostem samozřejmě nebyl botič, ale toto:

a po opuštěném mostě se k nám blížil od fabriky chlapík, co měl na zádech kytaru.
"týpek s kytarou je vždycky bezpečnej," říkám.
"pokud v ní neukrývá kulomet," odpovídá zdeněk.
"hm. no já se ho stejně zeptám."
"počkej, tak uhni s tím kolem, ať má aspoň pocit, že může svobodně projít."
"dobrý den! jste místní?" halekám.
"bohužial nie," usmívá se plaše.
"aha," srdce mi poklesá, ale naděje umírá poslední. "a nevíte přece jen náhodou, kde je tady botič?"
"botič?"
"no, botič. potok."
"potok?"
"no! my máme jet podél potoka, ale von se nám ztratil."
"ztratil?"
"no! von je tady totiž prej někde podzemní."
v této chvíli si ukrajinec s kytarou (nebo alespoň pouzdrem na kytaru) zjevně házel na vůli a zdravý rozum. rozhodovalo se mezi: a) pěstí do zubů mně, b) pěstí do zubů zdeňkovi, c) zamáváním do skryté kamery, d) rychlým telefonátem na psychiatrickou pohotovost, protože dvě děcka na kolech, co se jim ztratil podzemní botič nemají volně pobíhat po praze.
"tak to vám nepomůžu, zeptejte se dole v hospodě," uzavírá pán. zřejmě ho mé modré oči přesvědčily o upřímnosti našeho hledání.

botič jsme zkrátka a dobře nenašli, ale zato jsem byla málem požádána o ruku. nějaká předtucha o nevhodnosti mého úboru mě měla napadnout už ve chvíli, kdy před domem zdeněk prohlásil: "sukýnku chválím a co knoflíček? knoflíček už se nedopnul?"

nedopnul, no a co.
"já si nestěžuju, mám před sebou luxusní rozparek."
tak proto mám bejt pathfinder! rozparek nahoře u pasu, to se hned tak nevidí, že jo?
zřejmě si ten pohled pochvaloval i ten pán, co se na mě z tramvaje tak usmíval, až si skoro ukroutil hlavu. jeli jsme vedle sebe dobré dvě zastávky a bylo to tak romantické, že jsem opravdu čekala, že mi na ortenově náměstí navlékne na řídítka prstýnek...

což mě plynule přivádí k radostnému konstatování, že své město prostě miluju. já praze ukážu dvě půlky, a ona mně svou nejpřívětivější tvář. začalo to už v autobuse. "dámy a pánové, třicet minut přestávka, trente minutes la pause, thirty minutes break, thirty minutes." tak jsem si to před těma dvěma metrákovejma řidičema mašírovala na přidálniční čajíček, když za sebou slyším: "ty jsou, co? jen si plácnout!"
otočím se a autobusáci se na mě povzbudivě chechtají. dlužno říci, že nebýt tohohle vtípku, mohla jsem posléze bezprizorně pobíhat okolo dálnice a křičet, že mi ujel bus. nějak jsem se ztratila a metrákový řidič mě přivolal slovy: "to asi nebude jen tak lehký plácnutí!"

další milé překvapení vbrzku následovalo. navlékla jsem si své ultimativní kalhoty z terranovy, které nejenže nesou cedulku "L", ale dokážou nemožné, a to sice přidat pěkných pár kilo i přesto, že jsou proužkaté vertikálně. loni jsem si je vzala na sebe dohromady asi dvakrát. poprvé mě teta sjela pohledem od pasu dolů a zeptala se, jestli jsem ztloustla, podruhé mi bylo řečeno, že mám "africkou postavu, víš, malý prsa a velkej zadek". letos, když jsem oproti loňsku podstatně zhubla, jsem se rozhodla je risknout. konec konců, šla jsem si jen o barák vedle pro pizzu. ale ouha! jen co jsem vysrtčila nos, tedy zadek ze dveří, projíždí okolo náklaďák s modrou korbou. poledne, na cyrila a metoděje, žádné jiné auto široko daleko. a náklaďák v zatáčce přibržďuje, řidič se vyklání a celým okolím haleká: "ty máš ale prdel!"

pak (chronologicky) ten pán z tramvaje a do čtveřice kluk, co mě na zastávce tramvaje chtěl pozvat na kafe. na otázku, co dělá, odpověděl, že učí angličtinu, latinu a češtinu "tak různě", z čehož jsem vydedukovala, že je mu maximálně šestnáct aj s cestou. pro zájemkyně o příjemné komplimenty: stačí na sebe navléknout červenou kytičkovatou sukýnku z dětského H&M ve stylu "naše nataša". výrostci se pak pohrnou sami.

co na tom, že město zamilovaných má být paříž! pche!
matička stověžatá, ta má ráda baroko!

46 komentářů:

Petře řekl(a)...

euh mais j'ai pas compris, c'est qui le mec qui a dit "ty mas ale prdel" pour que je lui pète la gueule?

Petře řekl(a)...

hum. Olga me rikala, ze byl velky stěhovák.

Kazdopadne, jsem pacifista.

saladdin řekl(a)...

opet pet hvezdicek :-D plus ta kvuli obsahu, to je sest :-))

Aslam řekl(a)...

:-D Dost! Ležím pod stolem, ač střízliv ...

sveek řekl(a)...

jj, oluša je takovej náš roztomilej barokní andílek :)

Anonymní řekl(a)...

chvalim, ze jezdis s helmou. V nemecku budes moct jezdit na kole vsude. a znacene. je tu hezky.
dominik von ddorf

dudek řekl(a)...

Něh? To se zakládá na pravdě? :o
petře: :))
"jsem pacifista" - v takových případech nebuď. ;)

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